LADIES’S ASS PADS ON THE MARKET (PHOTOS)

 GUYS… put your yourself in this situation: You meet a nice young woman in the self-help section of your local bookstore. Though you’re intrigued by her emotional problems, as evidenced by the number of Tony Robbins books held closely to her breasts, you’re most fascinated by her rotund ass. So you ask her out. A few days later you decide to skip out on Friday’s, Chili’s or Applebees and take her to proper restaurant that isn’t a member of a chain franchise, again–primarily because that bubble is on your mind.

After dinner you go to an expensive bar and pay top dollar to order her a Sprite. But hold on! You’re even generous enough to put a little tang in her Sprite with a more than sufficient pour from the vodka flask hidden in the London Fog coat that you got on sale at JcPenney’s and have saved for a special date. Once again, simply because that ass is on your mind. After three drinks and a now empty flask she is back at your place. You make out for damn near 90 seconds but still don’t bother to remove her top. Instead you go straight for the draws. It’s dark as hell in your mom’s basement, but you just can’t wait to see that jiggly ass. That ass which probably has so much cellulite it looks like a living creature. Her pants come off and you go tongue first on that cherished ass. Hold on…it tastes like rubber. Shit, maybe she got down with someone else earlier today. You smack it, damn that firm ass barely moves. Ok, ok you can deal with a muscle ass. Then you decide to try the move you learned from the R. Kelly sex tape. You aggressively grab that ass and pull it towards you like its a child about to cross a busy intersection alone. Then…the ass falls off. A blob of silicone is on your bed. You demand a refund on your vodka and tell that trick she’s not worth more than a appetizer at Applebee’s. Four weeks later you end up on Judge Judy looking like a damn dummy.